Warning : this write-up contains no spoilers but the entire ’so called story’ of race.
With all due respect to the director/s , I managed to download the pirated version of movie. It was well worth the laugh, but hardly worth the bandwidth.
It would have been more scholarly to read crazy football rumours or why britney spears wants to be a role model for virgin British girls or even why cockroaches fall dead on thier backs , but i decided to download the movie and even ended up watching it.**Sigh ***
The movie starts with a car accident( really yaar !) on the empty highways of south africa. We dont see who is injured,but we do see a watch.The only conclusion i could make was that inspite of car spinning 5 times in the air, the watch was still safe.
Then of course there is a flashback, Saif is a rich man with a passion for horse riding and owns horses and stuff like that.
He loves bipasha(yeah me too), his secretary, katrina kaif is wannabe actor(even in real life) . Her expressions range from smile to smile with tears(read as crying). His brother is an alcoholic ,(yes .. he drinks beer in morning to get rid of hangover).For the first half these are pretty much the only characters in the movie .
Saif loses some money betting on a horse, finds out(through a binocular) that the caddy has cheated and hence plants a bomb in the cabbie’s car(which bounces 10 times on the tarmac before getting destroyed finally).After that he cleverly places a camera in a pen and thus finds out how to cheat his fearsome rival, and in the process not only does he make more money but also destroys him financially(all expertly ‘bollywoodly’ done).
Also some dialogs about ” mey haaar ko bi celebrate karta huun , blah blah” (watch the movie if you really interested in what he has to say .. there is more chance of you using your appendix than any of these dialogs in life)
Then the next twist … Bro akshay khana falls in love wit bipasha and promises to quit drinking if he gets her.
Big bro sacrifices his love for his fallible younger bhai .. small bro get the babe.Sings “pehli nazar mey jadoo kar diya” while driving a ferrari on south african streets.
The unsuspecting audience still waits for the crafty story to unfold…
Jatka no 2 :
Small bro tells bips he knows that she was a killer in past(yes its possible, grants her atonement)… , then says he wants to kill big bro to get insurance money.He agrees to give bips 20mn. Bips agrees(she wants 20 mn yaar!!!). And the first step towards killing big-bro ?? hope you guessed it …. small bro has to marry bips.( utter nonsense , but all hopes for any sense has already steeply plummeted).
Before you start cribbing about this dumb logic, wait till the movie goes on…
Small bro taps big-bro making out with bips(in a horse stable of course). All this recorded on cctv. Big bro takes tequilla shots to consume his guilt, while katrina struggles,strives and after subservient attempts to shake her belly, finally completes her dance for “kiss mee, touch mee ” to cheer up big bro.
Jatka no 3:
Small bro wants to kill big-bro( *** Yeah u already know that ****).Bips tells this to big-bro(but why?). gosh too many twists , crestfallen audience wonders if there’s any script at all …
Small bro calls big bro to top of building from where he plans to jump.
Big bro comes there , bips pushes big-bro and tells him 20 mn is worth much more than him.
Interval …. We thank god and have good dinner. After an absolutely unanimous decision, we think its best to attempt to see the second half only with some more beer…
Second half starts …….
jatka no 4:
Anil kapoor (R.D) is a cop with a very hot and dumb assistant(sameera reddy).Sameera is very very very dumb ,wilting with dumbness,struting on the intelligence of RD.However she is still capable of using a smart phone to note down important points(if any) related to this sherlock holmes mystery.
RD instantly knows that this is a plan to get the insurance money(smart cop , i told ya.. already).
Somewhere here i take a quit nap, and as i get up again…
Jatka no 5 :
Katrina kaif is already married to saif .. damn , she has the original certificates.So she is the rightful but ambiguous owner of the insurance money. Next logical ascend in the movie is to kill katrina , unfortunately there is a twist here as well..
Jatka no 6 :
Katrina is alone in her house , half dressed , trying to dry her wet hair… the hooded killer moves in shoadows all around without agitating her amidst scary sound effects.While katrina inclines towards giving a stellar performance drying her hair,the killer runs around in shadows. Finally as the director’s numerous unkempt attempts to scare the viewers goes unnoticed ,the hooded killer makes his move and grabs and kisses Katrina.
After the camera fleets around 270 degrees, abstaining from showing the audience the face of the gentleman/woman, who brings a smile to the already smiling katrina, the background music reciprocates the director’s sentiment of keeping up the tirade.
Finally , behold, its not the salman khan …. its small-bro,Turns out he was kat’s lover boy. After an obtuse one line explanation, we all gladly believe they really “love/loved/will forever love” each other.
Jatka no 7 :
All this while, Bips is neglected and hence small bro decides to kill her.Unfotunately for his unliking,
from an apogee, with highly enthusiastic music in the backdrop , saif(big-bro is alive, lord behold!!!) is able to negligently jump over 2 buildings , catch a dangling rope in thin air and bring to halt a very fast south african car making its way towards bips.
The killer driver is put to rest in an brevity by big-bro and all he has to say to bips at the end is.. ” Tum jab darti ho thoo bahut sundar lagti hoo ” { how unromantic !!! }
Jatka no 8
RD , meanwhile is hand in hand with saif(all this time….)… he also tries to molest his own dumbo assistant who is dumb enough to get away.(thus succesfully completing her contribution to this murder drama)
While you wonder how much more prune the scriptwriter could be…. it gets worse.
Big-bro and small-bro , decide to race against each other(in sports car) to decide who lives and who dies.
Big-bro’s car has no brakes , he still survives.Small bro and his biatch go down the flames.
Big-bro and bips get 200 million insurance money even though he is still alive(there are lots of clauses in the insurance document, apprentely ,if you die twice, you get double insurance money… who KNEW !!!).
RD gets his share. Inordinate dumb assistant laughs when RD says …
” Ab se RD fruit nahi khayega ….. sirf dry-fruit khayega ” ….
Just when we were about to rant in an extremly abusive tongue , the credits rolled down, along with copied korean music in the background with all the 3 babes artfully attempting to shake thier respective bellies.
Highly extenuated by this mental torture which cannot be verbalized, I went to sleep.
Summary:
Saif ali khan - Never say , Never die …
Akshaye Khana - With some many twists in his life , no wonder he has a hangover every morning….
Bips : Wears matching clothes and purse. infallibly walks wet from the beach aggravating vishvamitra to open one eye to have a look….
katrina : Lord , wickedly pretty , but somebody please explain acting to her … its more than just trying to smile…
Sameera : Hot, only significant contribution is half naked dancing in the end of the movie along with the other 2.
Anil kapoor : I liked his hairstyle , will copy that. period.
Best dialogue : Saif to katrina - { “Arre tum tho itni achi acting karti ho , ki tumhe hollywood mey hona chaiye tha” … } ( lol … katrina trying to act is as unproductive as my grandma trying to bend it like beckham… )
Movie : its like a twister of verbatim…
Follow the road, At traffic lights Jachhtlaan crossing.
