2 seconds

It seems that everything happens in the world in 2 seconds. 2 seconds is all that takes to change lives. Whether you are right or wrong depends on which half of the second the world sees.
It doesnt really matter which half the world sees, because i have now learnt to live every second. Life is a strange choice, Stop and see it, else you will miss it.

 

Call to a Call center

Call to an anonymous call centre.

Tring tring……

answers : Welcome to “Bomb Bomb training centre pvt limited” [ WE HAVE NO BRANCHES]
please select from the following options

1) To join our institute, press 1.
2) If you an existing member, press 2.
3) To buy terrorist supplies, press 3.
4) To get a list of ‘bomb-able’ buildings around the world, press 4.
 at any time to speak to our terrorist executive , press 9.
 
 Caller presses 9.
 
 please wait while we transfer your call to executive, remember, we value your ‘bomb-itions’.
 
 advertisement plays ” do you love your child? would you like to secure his future? if so, then book your child’s bombing location
  now. We provide all training leading upto the final bombing and also ensuring the location remains ‘un-bombed’ till your child  is  ready.Speak to our executive for more details”
 

School

  to be continued…..

 

Facial madkoli saar ..

Languages: Kannada , english

Warnings , no grammer , spellin checking , and over elaborate use of sms lingo…

Precisely 2 days back. Va had a facial done.

The pain of waiting for 2 hours for the other sex to get her facial done would not have been like they “a sweet pain” , but suddenly , “Saar, neevu madkoli , bellek idira , facial face lift madathe”… (Sir, why don’t u get facial done, you are fair , your face will get face lift).

At this point I am tempted, so I decide to get in. The guy brings his brochure.I search for the cheapest one… 450 rs mad bidi paa…..(please do the cheapest one)

Saar, that wont match your complexion, 1020 rs madkoli, adnalii, steam kottu , cream aaki , ad*&^^#(some thing) aaktivi… amale skin tight madtivi( sir, do the one for 1020 rs, will suit your skin , we will do blah blah in that).

Va : Beda guru, nang yaake….( leave it dude , why all this for me)

Smart facial guy: Saar, already fashion aag idira , iddu madkoli.. ( Sir, you are already like fashion, do this also)

Va : Hmm, I see. { Checks credit card }, seri madappa . ( Alrite, do it )

SFg : banni saar( Come sir) , { takes Va to a facial room)

Sfg : Saar shirt bichi, malkolli ( Sir ,remove your shirt and lie down)

Va : awkwardly removes only the top shirt.

Sfg : saar , gym ogtira ? trim aag idira ? (Sir , do you go to gym, you are so trimmm)

Va : { removes inner shirt now}, illa guru , ange yennu illa , solpa solpa ( no dude , ntn like tat, little little)

Few minutes pass by , va gets treated to cream applied on his face, has to close his eyes.

Suddenly door opens and some new trainees join in. { Some chattering}

Sfg : Sshhhh … nodi , cream inge aak beku. {Some female voice , sir , cream osadha ?)

Va : Nin Akk*&#^ ( F*&*##) , Guru , naan yen test run aa ? ( Boss, am I a test run for the cream?)

Sfg : illa sir, idhu l’oreal international.

Sfg : Jeno , steam ready madu….

Va: {Jeno , hmm , oohh, maga !!!! … immidetely starts dreaming thinks to say something start, ntn comes to mind}

Steam hits the face, sfg continues to rub the cream(a different one). Saar thumba smooth nim skinuu … hudugiru tumba like madtare…. ( Sir, you skin in very soft, gals will like it lot)

Va : { awkward grin ..)

Sfg cleans the face , Sir ivaga black head remove madtivi…

Va : screams , F^&^&## it was painful as hell, even pimples were not spared.

Sfg : aiyoo, yen sir, thumba black heads idhe .. solpa adjust madi ,,

Some facial girl : solpa iri sir …

Va : Jeno madam , neevu madi , solpa pain kadmey aag bodu …

Some facial girl : hehehe ( giggles) …

Smart facial guy : Saar , ivag skin tighten madtivi , don’t open your eyes.

Some one applies something like plaster of paris on face….

Va : Jeno avre , neeve apply madta idira ?

Some facial gal : Yaak sir ?

Va : ( thinks some smartalletic answer) , Nodi naan hesaru nalli ,’A’, ‘U’ matte ‘I’ idhe

Nim hesar nalli “E”mathe ‘O’ idhe , neev naan life alphabets complete madtira……

Few facial gals … Giggles …

One facial gal : Sir , neevu ange heldre , maaiiii full cream ach bidtaale …(sir  if u tell like tat , she will put cream all over your body)

Va : ( awesome…. )

Sir , ivaga ange solpa time irri …. (Sir , just be like tat)

Sounds of door opening and everybody leaving … somebody mentions something like cute…

Va : ( Thinks ) .. that must be mee , naan cuteeee maga…. ( i am cute , my son)

After few more minutes of excruciating boreness and cold(ac was on and I was half naked), smart facial guy comes in.

Va’s face is cleaned.

Banni saar ,taken to mirror . Nodi sir , neeve differencuu…( Come sir , see the difference )

Va : sees no difference … but says ( Hmmm…. )

Saar ,nim hair , rough aagidhe ,,,, dry aagbitidee . hair spa maadkondbidi …. ( Sir , you hair loks very dry ,    why dont u try hair spa )

Va : beda guru …. Nang yaake idalla ? ( no dude , why al this for me ?)

Sgf : Illa saar , facial madkondu fashion aag idira ….. hair spa nuu .. ( no sir, already u are fashion because of facial , why dont you try hair spa ? )

To be continued ….

 

Moments!

1) Walking on the streets in a strange(not anymore) city, in the split of moment there is a blond who walks in the opposite direction.I go right to avoid her and she goes right too , then i go left and she goes left too.
And then we both stop and smile at each other. Out of the blue she hugs me suddenly and says something and walks away while i stand stunned.

2) Walking into the stands to watch the French grand prix for the first time, its highly discouraging to see all places in free stand occupied.Not in a mood to give up, i use my broken French to communicate my desire to go forward and end up sitting right in front of the track,crossing barbed wires,convincing the gaurds in broken french, for an unbelievable experience.

3) Walking alone in the Milan station at 10:30 p.m , with no hotel reservation, i was running door to door, but all hotels were either full or too costly.Lots of pickpockets around Milan station and returning fans from a football match dint make it any better either.Of all people, a drunk football fan, suddenly approached me and guided me to a hotel nearby on the other side of road.I got a room for 30 euros.

4) That i am going to propose to her was well decided.What to say to her was not. When i finally did. i said a lot of things which i heard for the first time myself.Some were killer dialogues.I spoke my heart out.That she did not buy it is a completely different story.

I have no idea what the blond who almost kissed me, said to me, I have no idea what i spoke in French to convince the guard to let us through, i have no idea how i understood the Italian spoken by the football fan to help me. I don’t remember much of what i said to the girl who was never to become mine.

I have come to believe that words are always forgotten, its the moments you remember.
The smell of perfume of the blond girl, The obvious sympathy in the guard’s eyes to let us through, The sincere but drunk football fan who helped me and the feeling of having proposed to someone I truly love/d.

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”

M. Scott Peck quotes (American psychiatrist and Author, 1936-2005)

 

Aap ka suroor, Itzz a reaaal lovveee shtorrryyy..

Every once in a while, there comes a movie to die for .. and we talk about the movie when we eat , when we drink and we even dream about it while we sleep. And use the dialogs in day to day life, and with acute retention idiosyncratically try to be like the main characters. Well for all this and more, watch , “There will be Blood” .
Its an awesome movie.

But in case you still decide to watch “aap ka suroor“, or should i say rather suffer through AkS, then beware, there is very little story, very very little screenplay and lots and lots of nasal singing.Even the gayatri mantra have made it into the nose.

Q) Wonder what will happen if himesh wears a nose ring ?
A) He will have a golden voice ……

The story(or the absolute lack of it) is appalling. Himesh falls in love(HR sirf ek baar pyaar karta hai) with an amiable Sweet girl(looks gorgeous). The first half of movie is all about “HR yeh nahi karta” , HR sharab nahi pita “
“HR india ka rockstar hai”

Small cute girl to HR : mere heart mey hole hai….
HR to small cute girl : Tumhe pata hai ki tumhare heart mey bhagwan ne hole kyun diya hai ?
Cute girl : nahi …
HR ( HR sab janta hai, HR bhagwan se baat karta hai) : Kyunki , usme khuub saara pyaar barna hai, agar hole nahi hoga to usse kaha bharogi ?

(At this point ,
Va : Bhagwan ne HR key Dimag mey hole kyun diya hai ?
A: Taki HR hamesha Topi pahene rakhe …..
)

More of nasal melodrama, HR gets arrested for murder.
Police : what do u have to say in your defense ?
HR : HR kabhi kisika Khuun nahi karta.
Police : Duh !!!

HR escapes from jail(HR jail mey be versace aur red topi pehanta hai).

HR uses 5 diff colours of topi , Red ,white , black , brown and green. matching matching with his cleavage display shirts.

HR comes out of a car crash , still comes out with the Topi intact.
Schweet girl adheres with HR in good and bad, Her mobile ring tone is the melodramatic nasal gayatri mantra.
In all this mish mash, there is mallika sharawat trying to woo HR. HR kabhi item number ke saath date par nahi jaata.

All good prevails in the end.Autos run in streets of germany, German tv’s carry breaking news of HR’s innocence.Schweet girl falls in his cleavage(which is visible through out the movie).mallika is spell bound.
Audience is happy, the ordeal is over. If this is the real life story of HR , it sucks.If this is the story he has made up , it still sucks. 4 year old kids make up better stories.If this is the story he belives in , it stills sucks.

All in all, use this movie to sleep the days that you dont drink.

HR(in end) : God bless everybody,
Va : Thanks…

 

Race – Its a twisted tale

Warning : this write-up contains no spoilers but the entire ’so called story’ of race.

With all due respect to the director/s , I managed to download the pirated version of movie. It was well worth the laugh, but hardly worth the bandwidth.

It would have been more scholarly to read crazy football rumours or why britney spears wants to be a role model for virgin British girls or even why cockroaches fall dead on thier backs , but i decided to download the movie and even ended up watching it.**Sigh ***

The movie starts with a car accident( really yaar !) on the empty highways of south africa. We dont see who is injured,but we do see a watch.The only conclusion i could make was that inspite of car spinning 5 times in the air, the watch was still safe.

Then of course there is a flashback, Saif is a rich man with a passion for horse riding and owns horses and stuff like that.
He loves bipasha(yeah me too), his secretary, katrina kaif is wannabe actor(even in real life) . Her expressions range from smile to smile with tears(read as crying). His brother is an alcoholic ,(yes .. he drinks beer in morning to get rid of hangover).For the first half these are pretty much the only characters in the movie .

Saif loses some money betting on a horse, finds out(through a binocular) that the caddy has cheated and hence plants a bomb in the cabbie’s car(which bounces 10 times on the tarmac before getting destroyed finally).After that he cleverly places a camera in a pen and thus finds out how to cheat his fearsome rival, and in the process not only does he make more money but also destroys him financially(all expertly ‘bollywoodly’ done).
Also some dialogs about ” mey haaar ko bi celebrate karta huun , blah blah” (watch the movie if you really interested in what he has to say .. there is more chance of you using your appendix than any of these dialogs in life)

Then the next twist … Bro akshay khana falls in love wit bipasha and promises to quit drinking if he gets her.
Big bro sacrifices his love for his fallible younger bhai .. small bro get the babe.Sings “pehli nazar mey jadoo kar diya” while driving a ferrari on south african streets.

The unsuspecting audience still waits for the crafty story to unfold…

Jatka no 2 :

Small bro tells bips he knows that she was a killer in past(yes its possible, grants her atonement)… , then says he wants to kill big bro to get insurance money.He agrees to give bips 20mn. Bips agrees(she wants 20 mn yaar!!!). And the first step towards killing big-bro ?? hope you guessed it …. small bro has to marry bips.( utter nonsense , but all hopes for any sense has already steeply plummeted).

Before you start cribbing about this dumb logic, wait till the movie goes on…

Small bro taps big-bro making out with bips(in a horse stable of course). All this recorded on cctv. Big bro takes tequilla shots to consume his guilt, while katrina struggles,strives and after subservient attempts to shake her belly, finally completes her dance for “kiss mee, touch mee ” to cheer up big bro.

Jatka no 3:

Small bro wants to kill big-bro( *** Yeah u already know that ****).Bips tells this to big-bro(but why?). gosh too many twists ,   crestfallen audience wonders if there’s any script at all …
Small bro calls big bro to top of building from where he plans to jump.
Big bro comes there , bips pushes big-bro and tells him 20 mn is worth much more than him.

Interval …. We thank god and have good dinner. After an absolutely unanimous decision, we think its best to attempt to see the second half only with some more beer…

Second half starts …….

jatka no 4:

Anil kapoor (R.D) is a cop with a very hot and dumb assistant(sameera reddy).Sameera is very very very dumb ,wilting with    dumbness,struting on the intelligence of RD.However she is still capable of using a smart phone to note down important points(if any) related to this sherlock holmes mystery.
RD instantly knows that this is a plan to get the insurance money(smart cop , i told ya.. already).

Somewhere here i take a quit nap, and as i get up again…

Jatka no 5 :
Katrina kaif is already married to saif .. damn , she has the original certificates.So she is the rightful but ambiguous owner of the insurance money. Next logical ascend in the movie is to kill katrina , unfortunately there is a twist here as well..

Jatka no 6 :

Katrina is alone in her house , half dressed , trying to dry her wet hair… the hooded killer moves in shoadows all around  without agitating her amidst scary sound effects.While katrina inclines towards giving a stellar performance drying her hair,the killer runs around in shadows. Finally as the director’s numerous unkempt attempts to scare the viewers goes unnoticed ,the hooded killer makes his move and grabs and kisses Katrina.
After the camera fleets around 270 degrees, abstaining from showing the audience the face of the gentleman/woman, who brings a smile to the already smiling katrina, the background music reciprocates the director’s sentiment of keeping up the tirade.
Finally , behold, its not the salman khan …. its small-bro,Turns out he was kat’s lover boy. After an obtuse one line explanation, we all gladly believe they really “love/loved/will forever love” each other.

Jatka no 7 :

All this while, Bips is neglected and hence small bro decides to kill her.Unfotunately for his unliking,
from an apogee, with highly enthusiastic music in the backdrop , saif(big-bro is alive, lord behold!!!) is able to negligently jump over 2 buildings , catch a dangling rope in thin air and bring to halt a very fast south african car making its way towards bips.
The killer driver is put to rest in an brevity by big-bro and all he has to say to bips at the end is.. ” Tum jab darti ho thoo bahut sundar lagti hoo ” { how unromantic !!! }

Jatka no 8

RD , meanwhile is hand in hand with saif(all this time….)… he also tries to molest his own dumbo assistant who is dumb enough to get away.(thus succesfully completing her contribution to this murder drama)

While you wonder how much more prune the scriptwriter could be…. it gets worse.
Big-bro and small-bro , decide to race against each other(in sports car) to decide who lives and who dies.
Big-bro’s car has no brakes , he still survives.Small bro and his biatch go down the flames.

Big-bro and bips get 200 million insurance money even though he is still alive(there are lots of clauses in the insurance document, apprentely ,if you die twice, you get double insurance money… who KNEW !!!).

RD gets his share. Inordinate dumb assistant laughs when RD says …
” Ab se RD fruit nahi khayega ….. sirf dry-fruit khayega ” ….

Just when we were about to rant in an extremly abusive tongue , the credits rolled down, along with copied korean music in the background with all the 3 babes artfully attempting to shake thier respective bellies.

Highly extenuated by this mental torture which cannot be verbalized, I went to sleep.

Summary:

Saif ali khan – Never say , Never die …
Akshaye Khana – With some many twists in his life , no wonder he has a hangover every morning….
Bips : Wears matching clothes and purse. infallibly walks wet from the beach aggravating vishvamitra to open one eye to have a look….
katrina : Lord , wickedly pretty , but somebody please explain acting to her … its more than just trying to smile…
Sameera : Hot, only significant contribution is half naked dancing in the end of the movie along with the other 2.
Anil kapoor : I liked his hairstyle , will copy that. period.

Best dialogue : Saif to katrina – { “Arre tum tho itni achi acting karti ho , ki tumhe hollywood mey hona chaiye tha” … } ( lol …  katrina trying to act is as unproductive as my grandma trying to bend it like beckham… )

Movie : its like a twister of verbatim…

 

Stretch your legs only as much the cot allows you to

Location : Eindhoven Petrol Bunk.[The Netherlands]
Time : Sometime.
Scene : ‘Va’ filling gas in the car in petrol bunk…

Va : (Singing in Hindi , quickly shifts to English when another dutch car arrives in the next bunk)
Va : {Shakes head while singing, much to the disgust of other car, replaces the nozzle back to the bunk}

Sings all the way to the counter to pay the bill, Decides to impress people with broken dutch..

Va : Nummer Ein , alstublieft ….. ( Tank Number one ,please … here you go)

Counter : dank ye well (Thanks) …. {#%$&^#*@^@*@ ) , not swear but a lot of dutch …..

Va : {what ???}

Counter : again , ( #%$&^#*@^@*@ ) , not swear but a lot of dutch …..

Va : {thinks … crap } , stares as if he has seen a ghost(or heard it!!!)

Counter : {in English} Never mind , here you go …. (gives the change) …

Va : {takes the change and walks back , still decides to sing in English), {thinks} , {next time inda tikka muchkondu english nalli matado} {Translation : from next time, shut your a$$ and speak in English}

Summary : Hotness factor : 0/10
Moral : Haasige Iddashtu Kaalu Chaachu ( Translation : Stretch your legs only as much the cot allows you to )

 

The Day After The Night Before !!

        Itzzz  a reallllll  Liiffe Sshhhhtorrrry !!!!! (All credits to Himeshhh ressshmiyaa’s numeralogist)

Prerequisites : Languages : Kannada + english

Va  : Rajkumar, yen ivathu plan.
Vi : tell me dude….
Va : Albert heign hoggi ethakolana ?
Vi : sure man.
Va : { Sudden realization of .. u guessed it right . ” The Night Before” } hmm , beda bidu maga … daily kudkondu life tapas aagogidhe .
Vi : Sure aa?
Va : Huun maga.
Vi : Ahu ahu …. { Literal equivalent of a sarcastic cough }
Va : Nija maga.

After an hour , Vi has already visited albert heign while Va reaches home(partially frustrated and partially happy) … Goes for the fridge to pull out some fruit juice(which was never bought anyway), sees cans in the freezer !!!

The Night Before …

va : maga , yenno idu …
Vi : yaako , odyalva ?
Va : Seri maga …. bari ondu , for company sakes….

Enter Ra { mind reeling with certain issues, talks on phone }

Ra : maga, ivathu yennu illa, hotte serig illa
Vi : Sir , ivane oditaidane , ondu togandbidi ….
Ra : Ang anthya …{ looks at phone, remembers something ) … thinks{hmmmmmmmmm….] ,seri aiythu baa….

.. Music plays at loud volume through an IPOD fitted with a local FM transmitter, output via old philips music system….

For the next few hours ….

Va,Vi,Ra … { Singing at high volumes ,cooking , discussing matters of life and love in depth , Singing again … Cooking … )

Va : {realises other 2 are inside cooking , looks at the guitar,makes a quick decision to play it} maga guitar barstini …
Vi : hmm , maga hossa song odi yavdadu …
Ra : yen bekadre barsri … naan bega guitar kalthu , navvuu ondu album release madana…
Va : { Continues with famous hindi numbers accompanied by frequent singing by the other 2,slowly drifts into English numbers(other 2 head back to finalise cooking matters). Va finishes with improvisation solos/lead and packs the guitar. }
Vi : { to Ra .. Eee time , blore od mele definite guitar kalitini sir… }
Guitar stops , Vi meddles with the IPOD again to play more loud music from ‘his’ playlists…

Vi : Singing ….. { other 2 stare at him }
Ra : Dosta , addu yentha song play madtya , yennu artha aagalla . {Vi busy singing in high pitch with a batti in his hand }

apres quelque moment ( after some time )

Ra: Ley , yella mugdoythu kanla ….
Vi : maga , nan can yelloo …..
Va : Ee bikassi male , aa watchu … yellaaa bitkotbitte kanri … nan life eee haaalag oythu … Thumba novvuu … aadre nanag yennu bejar illa …
Ra : bittakri , { smiles, looks down , looks up smiles again }
Vi : { thinks [yenadru helbek alva] ….} , just smiles …
Va : .. continues …. nenage bere yennu bejar illa guru , adhre yaake antha gotag ….
Ra : barappa oota maduva … ivathu jasti aiythu ..
Vi : Sir , yella ready , ondu solpa kip mad bidla ?
Va : {[Ignores the question completely] Starts Singing with feel …. “Tere bin , mai yu kaise rahuu … kaise jeeyu .. tere bin” }
Ra : [to Vi's question on Kip] beda biddo … oota madana baa , [Looks at Va] .. Bani sir..

During Oota ..

Vi : sir yeng idhe ….
Ra : Super , intha oota blore nallu sigbitre…. Aahhaa…
Va : maga , madhuve aad mele intha oota madak barathe antha wife ge gotag bitre , problem aagatho ..
Vi : giggles , Entha oota guru …
Ra : Ivathu olle nidhe….

After some time ,

{lights off , deeep sleeeep (olle nidhe)}

The day After , morning 8:00 a. m

Va, Vi, Ra : Maga  , jasti aiytho nenne …. Ivatho niyat aag , muchkondu mast oota madi nidhe odyana …
Vi : Maga , gears of war…
Va : howdu maga , ivathu mugsbidanna ….
Evening , the same eventful day

Va : { bit frustrated } , maga ivathu albert heign hogbeko ….. takarri illa manyelli….
Vi : ok maga … sure.

PS: Someone , please translate this to our non kannada speaking enemies …
clicks on { signout with thanks }

 

Dutch Toilets !

They are not conventional .. they are the exact opposite. The first time i thought maybe we had to sit the opposite way, but then again it did not help.

Do people enjoy the grafitti they poop in the toilets ? Maybe they admire what they have dumped and then flush it out. For me it is just plain uncomfortable. Can you imagine , sitting there with a constant fear of not knowing when you have tipped the iceberg or scaled the peak !!!

Why are these damn toilets the wrong way ? I would rather push in than push out in one of these. One of the greatest enjoyments in life is to take a satisfactory poop, please god … don’t let humans play around with one of the greatest inventions ever.

Ooh and it does stink, instead of posting , “please keep it clean” , can somebody please invert the damn big white bowl ?

 

Swimming – Update

Finally i can swim some distance in 5 feet deep water and even breathe.I can backpeddle as well (or some equivalent of that).

Now that is some progress…. My instructor asked me jump from 6 feet deep water, well then it happened…..

I forgot everything , water went into my nose , legs hit hard inside water , arms flaying all around , and then and then i tried to breathe ….. drank a big gulp of chlorinated water.

6 feet sucks , wish i were more taller than that.